Opera Abridged for Modern Audiences- Faust Act I

Faust Abridged for Modern Audiences

Act I … or Act I, Scene I depending on when the intermissions are scheduled

Faust: *Aria: It sucks to be me.*

Offstage chorus: Everything is awesome!

Faust: Being old sucks. I wish I was dead.

Offstage chorus: Everything is awesome! Yay!

Faust: I hate you people. Also, if Satan wants to show up, now would be a pretty good time.

*smoke effects… hopefully…*

Mephistopheles: Yo!

The Orchestra: *coughs*

The Tech Crew: *is happy because if the orchestra is asphyxiating then the smoke effects worked perfectly*

Faust: Gah! *hides*

Mephistopheles: Don’t look so surprised, man. So, I’ve got the standard wealth, power, fame and video games sluts packages ready to go. What’s your kink?

Faust: No, no, no and what is wrong with you, you creeper.

Mephistofeles: Okay, fine. What do you want, then?

Faust: Youth.

Mefistofeles: Gotcha covered. Sign here.

Faust: Everything is awesome! Wait… so what do you want in return?

The audience: *wonders why Faust doesn’t know how this deal works, because they all know exactly what’s coming*

Mefistofeles: It won’t cost much, just your… soul.

Faust: Seriously? No way. That is crappy deal.

The audience: Yes. Yes, it is.

Mefistofeles: How about I throw in a leading soprano?

Marguerite: *appears somewhere on stage in some form or other*

Faust: Despite having never met this chick, I am now totally in love with her and for some reason I think that letting Satan force a complete stranger into a relationship with me is an excellent idea. Where do I sign?

Faust: *signs contract*

Mephistofeles: *makes Faust young again through the magic of a lighting cue and a costume change*

Faust: Woohoo! Let’s go find that woman I have never ever met so I can get down!

Mephistofeles: I completely endorse this terrible idea. Let’s roll!

Curtain: *falls*

Audience: *facepalms*