Faust Abridged for Modern Audiences
Act I … or Act I, Scene I depending on when the intermissions are scheduled
Faust: *Aria: It sucks to be me.*
Offstage chorus: Everything is awesome!
Faust: Being old sucks. I wish I was dead.
Offstage chorus: Everything is awesome! Yay!
Faust: I hate you people. Also, if Satan wants to show up, now would be a pretty good time.
*smoke effects… hopefully…*
The Orchestra: *coughs*
The Tech Crew: *is happy because if the orchestra is asphyxiating then the smoke effects worked perfectly*
Faust: Gah! *hides*
Mephistopheles: Don’t look so surprised, man. So, I’ve got the standard wealth, power, fame and video games sluts packages ready to go. What’s your kink?
Faust: No, no, no and what is wrong with you, you creeper.
Mephistofeles: Okay, fine. What do you want, then?
Mefistofeles: Gotcha covered. Sign here.
Faust: Everything is awesome! Wait… so what do you want in return?
The audience: *wonders why Faust doesn’t know how this deal works, because they all know exactly what’s coming*
Mefistofeles: It won’t cost much, just your… soul.
Faust: Seriously? No way. That is crappy deal.
The audience: Yes. Yes, it is.
Mefistofeles: How about I throw in a leading soprano?
Marguerite: *appears somewhere on stage in some form or other*
Faust: Despite having never met this chick, I am now totally in love with her and for some reason I think that letting Satan force a complete stranger into a relationship with me is an excellent idea. Where do I sign?
Faust: *signs contract*
Mephistofeles: *makes Faust young again through the magic of a lighting cue and a costume change*
Faust: Woohoo! Let’s go find that woman I have never ever met so I can get down!
Mephistofeles: I completely endorse this terrible idea. Let’s roll!