Opera Abridged for Modern Audiences- Faust Act II

Opera Abridged for Modern Audiences

Faust Act II unless there was no intermission which would make it Act I, Scene 2

Some generic town, sort of like in Beauty and the Beast because that’s the set we rented

Wagner: *sings a drinking song*

Chorus: Drink drink drinkety drink!

The audience: *checks off a square on their 19th Century French Opera bingo cards “drinking song”*

Soldiers: Drink! Girls! Drink!

Chorus: Drink drink drinkety drink!

enter Valentin

Valentin: I’m so glad I have this protective charm that my sister gave me, which I definitely won’t throw away at the worst possible time.

Wagner: What’s up, Valentin?

Valentin: Oh nothing, just indulging in my creepy obsession with my sister, Marguerite, before I head off to whatever war we’re having right now.

Siebel: Don’t worry, I’ll be here to stalk protect her while you’re gone.

Chorus: We’ll help you because apparently everyone in this town spends their free time stalking Marguerite.

Valentin: *aria “While I’m away, I’ll be thinking weird creepy thoughts about my sister.”*

Wagner: And people wonder why I drink so much. So, a cat and a rat walk into a bar…

Mephistopheles: Yo.

Wagner: …

Mephistopheles: I’m just a random stranger who dropped by to sing a song for some reason. Totally normal. Nothing at all creepy about this.

Mephistopheles: *aria “Evil rules, God drools”*

Chorus: Yay for evil songs!

Valentin: What a weirdo.

Wagner: I need another drink.

Mephistopheles: By the way, I just read your palm and it says you’ll be unlucky. You’ll probably die or something.

Wagner: Meh.

Chorus: *does not care*

Mephistopheles: You’re also cursed, Siebel, and stop creeping on Marguerite.

Siebel: Gack!

Valentin: No one creeps on my sister but me!

Chorus: *still does not care*

Mephistopheles: Also, this wine sucks. Let me fix that up for you.

*Mephistopheles turns the wine into… better wine*

Mephistopheles: To Marguerite!

Valentin: What is wrong with you, dude???

Chorus: OMG this dude is into fancy wine. KILL HIM!!!!!!!

Valentin: Sword stab!

Mephistopheles: *causes Valentin’s prop sword to break*

Valentin: *uses broken sword as a crucifix*

Mephistopheles: OMG it’s like kryptonite for evil! I’m melting… melting… what a world…

The chorus leaves for some reason

Faust enters

Faust: What did I miss?

Mephistopheles: Just some chorus music and the baritone’s aria. How about we head for Vegas?

Faust: First you have to hook me up with that hot chick you showed me.

Mephistopheles: About that… have you considered that she might not be into you?

Faust: Ppppppft I’m the lead tenor. Of course, she’ll be into me.

Mephistopheles: If you say so, dude. Anyways, the chorus is coming back and they kind of hate me for some reason, so we should clear center stage.

Chorus: *sings “We are waltzing because that’s how we roll in this type of opera”

Audience: *marks another square on their 19th Century French Opera bingo cards “waltz song” if there are ballet dancers, that’s another square “random ballet dancers for no good reason”*

Mephistopheles: Hey, look at all these cute chicks…

Faust: Shut up, I’m stalking here.

Siebel: Yeah, shut up, we’re stalking here.

Marguerite enters

Faust: Hey baby, wanna hang out?

Marguerite: Ew. No. Bye.

Marguerite leaves

Faust: Being shut down makes me love her even more!

Mephistopheles: *facepalm*

Chorus: OMG Marguerite totally shut down that guy. What a frigid bitch! Oh well, let’s waltz!

The Audience: *needs a drink*

Intermission

 

Opera Abridged for Modern Audiences- Faust Act I

Faust Abridged for Modern Audiences

Act I … or Act I, Scene I depending on when the intermissions are scheduled

Faust: *Aria: It sucks to be me.*

Offstage chorus: Everything is awesome!

Faust: Being old sucks. I wish I was dead.

Offstage chorus: Everything is awesome! Yay!

Faust: I hate you people. Also, if Satan wants to show up, now would be a pretty good time.

*smoke effects… hopefully…*

Mephistopheles: Yo!

The Orchestra: *coughs*

The Tech Crew: *is happy because if the orchestra is asphyxiating then the smoke effects worked perfectly*

Faust: Gah! *hides*

Mephistopheles: Don’t look so surprised, man. So, I’ve got the standard wealth, power, fame and video games sluts packages ready to go. What’s your kink?

Faust: No, no, no and what is wrong with you, you creeper.

Mephistofeles: Okay, fine. What do you want, then?

Faust: Youth.

Mefistofeles: Gotcha covered. Sign here.

Faust: Everything is awesome! Wait… so what do you want in return?

The audience: *wonders why Faust doesn’t know how this deal works, because they all know exactly what’s coming*

Mefistofeles: It won’t cost much, just your… soul.

Faust: Seriously? No way. That is crappy deal.

The audience: Yes. Yes, it is.

Mefistofeles: How about I throw in a leading soprano?

Marguerite: *appears somewhere on stage in some form or other*

Faust: Despite having never met this chick, I am now totally in love with her and for some reason I think that letting Satan force a complete stranger into a relationship with me is an excellent idea. Where do I sign?

Faust: *signs contract*

Mephistofeles: *makes Faust young again through the magic of a lighting cue and a costume change*

Faust: Woohoo! Let’s go find that woman I have never ever met so I can get down!

Mephistofeles: I completely endorse this terrible idea. Let’s roll!

Curtain: *falls*

Audience: *facepalms*